Balance

Much of life is about balance.  We strive for balanced eating, a balanced budget and for me most recently; a life-work balance.  I have spent the past 10 years being a stay at home Mom to my beautiful daughters.  I was responsible for the day to day balance of our lives and making sure things ran smoothly.  I had lots of time to plan, implement and make changes.  I worked tirelessly to create routines and thus balance for my family.

All that changed two months ago when I decided to take on a part time job.  Suddenly I am a Mother who works.  I had prepared for the change as well as I could but I was sadly mistaken at how hard it would be to find balance.  I have some tools that are paramount to keeping my family running smoothly; the most important is without a doubt my wall calendar.  Yes, I use an electronic one as well but the one that is essential is the good old fashioned wall kind.  I have been buying the same one for years now.  Yet somehow I still fall behind. 

As our activities ebb and flow so does my ability to be organized. One week I will find myself the epitome of organized.  I have a meal plan, errands planned by day and even activities to do with the kids. I appreciate how much simpler my life is when it is mapped out day by day, yet a small part of me misses the spontaneity that flying by the seat of your pants provides. Alternately, after a few weeks of not being organized my anxiety increases until I feel it’s time to buckle down yet again and plan, plan, plan. 

For some reason I have difficulty finding a way to make both parts of me work in harmony.  The organized part of me is the do-gooder, the in control, responsible adult.  Yet the impulsive side of me is fun, creative and carefree.  I am totally aware of the dichotomy that I’ve created.  Both sides have their own strengths and weaknesses yet I can’t seem to fuse them into one self.  Can you plan to be carefree?  Is that even possible? 

As I continue to get used to working and mothering I am hoping that a pattern emerges, a routine.  With so many variables (different schedules, activities etc.) it’s going to take some time to get it all worked out.  Most of all I need to remember to be kind and patient with myself. It will come, in time.

My Demon

Some days, I totally forget about you. Days go by with nary a dark thought or emotion. I can almost believe that I am normal, cured. Then when I least expect it and without any precursor you come back. 

You start as a dark cloud hanging over my head and slowly but surely you seep into all that I am. I choose to sleep to keep you quiet but you're also in my dreams. You remind me of all the mistakes I have made. You call me names and put me down. You are the worst kind of bully there is, one that I cannot quiet. I wonder why, when I do everything that I'm supposed to, you still slink back into my world.

 I fear that I will never be rid of you. Even when you stay away for long periods of time, a small part of me always awaits your return. I wonder what it's like to live a life free of this burden. I keep my battle to myself, within me. I'm afraid that if I let you out there will be no turning back, no controlling you. I suffer in silence and shame. 

I hate you.

Neighbor nerves

It has not escaped my attention that my last blog entry was almost exactly 3 years ago.  Talk about becoming delinquent!

The house beside us is going up for Sale.  Again.  We have lived on our little square, (yes it really is a square!) for almost 10 years now.  In that time, the houses on either side of me have been sold and re-sold 7 times, if not more.  I'm starting to think that I must be a terrible neighbor.  I try to keep my herd quiet, and make sure to clean up after the dog.  I'm friendly and will occasionally shovel your driveway for you.  But if that's not good enough, well then, I give up.

And so begins the neighbor anxiety.  You know that feeling when you can't help but hope for quiet, considerate, neighbors?  And end up with a couple of teenagers who have parties until all hours of the morning?  You wonder who is going to buy the house?  Maybe that nice older couple we saw driving by slowly to get a good look.  Are there going to be problems? Are my kids going to make new friends? Am *I* going to make new friends? It lasts until the new occupants move in and pleasantries are exchanged.  Then you breathe a sigh of relief and wonder why you ever worried.

It's totally normal to own 3 motorcycles right?

Spring has Sprung!

For the last couple of weeks I have been holding my breath. Hoping that it was all over, but fearing one last assault. I am finally starting to let my guard down a little. I mean who wouldn't with something as beautiful as this:

I cannot take credit for this photo. My 5 year old took it!

Anna (4) came home with this cute plant last week. She grew it from a seed and was very proud of herself. She vowed to be the one to feed and water it. I asked her what kind of plant it was and her response was "a wheat plant". Ummmm, wheat? really? I am trying to help it along but it's not doing so well. I think it might need more sunshine. No matter what, it's a great reminder that Spring has Sprung, that things are growing and blooming and that the warm weather might just be sticking around for a while.

Better late than never?

I have started toying around with Twitter a bit more, and have found this great blog. One of the things that she does, is a Monday Moments, where she gives a topic and encourages other bloggers to post an entry of their own on the same topic. I like the idea of being given a starting point. It's a fun challenge.

I was supposed to have posted this yesterday, but as usual, life got in the way. I apologize profusely and will do better next time! Promise!

Here it is, my first Monday Moment!

___________________________

I am new to this Monday stuff, but like Capital Moms blog and am always looking for ideas. So I will jump right in. I am having these random thoughts as the day goes on, and jotting them down. Its a bullet entry, wait is that allowed? J

When I first read the word Focus, to be totally honest, the first thing that came to mind was the Ford Focus. I blame it on The Amazing Race. Then it led me to thinking about getting a new car. It’s something that’s been in the back of mind and i’m not really sure why. We are in no position to replace our trusty minivan, but I can’t seem to help thinking what if?

Focus is something that does not come naturally to everyone. A lesson I learned a little too late.

Focus is what it takes to be able to listen to, and hear a 5 year old when a 4 year old is trying to interject.

Focus is what I use to read my beloved books while the noise level of my house steadily rises.

Hello old friend

A couple of days ago, I was reading some of my favorite blogs and started to think about my own experience blogging. I know that I enjoy writing, sharing little tidbits of my life and whatnot. Yet I can't help but wonder, if no one is reading, then what's the use.

I need to remember that my blog is for ME, that it's MINE and that it doesn't matter how many people read. I enjoy the feeling of hitting the publish button and whatever happens after that will happen. No big deal.

Or so I can tell myself right?

If you are new here then Hello, welcome! Please feel free to say hi in the comments. I make no guarantees but there will most likely be some posts, at some point, in the near future :)

Catch up!

So, a month without posting. I should be ashamed right? Well, it is MY blog after all!

I must admit that the last month has found me to be extremely busy. So much so that I am not able to enjoy downtime anymore. I just want to keep going and going. I can't help but wonder how much my new diagnosis/meds play into this, but I'm not going to over think it. I am enjoying being busy, doing new things with the girls and just generally being busy.

One of the things that I had hoped to really make use of this summer was my new bike. Purchased late, I had hoped to get much more use of it than I really have. While I enjoyed the few times that I took it out, I find that the girls are at awkward ages for biking. My 5 year old likes to bike on her own but can't go far distances and my almost 4 year old would love to be able to come along too but she just can't keep up so she gets to sit in the trailer. This summer was sweltering hot and humid and that also played a part in my inability to get out riding. Hopefully now that fall and the cooler weather is almost here I can take advantage of my afternoons alone to get out there and burn some rubber!

I had high hopes for the summer, but as we go into it's final week I know it's time for the girls to get back to school. We need the routine and structure that school brings. This will be the first year that both girls will be in school every afternoon, 5 days a week. It's bittersweet, sending my babies to school but I know that they are ready and will enjoy it so much. I have some big plans while they are gone, mostly to finally clean out my garage (I mean, who really needs 3 strollers and a bike trailer with two kids almost 4 and 5???) and I'd like to clean out basement and get it ready to use as a playroom for the winter.

The basement has been on my project list basically since we moved in. It was not finished well, with bowing wood panelling and a terribly put up suspended ceiling but for all intents and purposes it is mostly finished. It needs some flooring, to cover the poured concrete floor and some TLC but I think I can make it a fun place for the girls to hang out or play. Right now the basement is the catch all for everything that I can't bear to get rid of or that has no home elsewhere in the house. I plan to do a massive decluttering and to show no mercy! If it hasn't been looked at or used in the past year, it's going to charity or the garbage.

With the end of summer comes lots of changes and new goals. I am anxious to see where it all leads.